He looks good doesn’t he? “ The most handsome guy in the county” – that’s what everybody says. They all envy me now. He even bought me a ring.. Rather simple with delicate blue stone on top of it and proposed to me in the moonlight. Very romantic. It was the worst moment of my life. Oh, if I could only say “no”! But then everyone would talk and gossip even more.
I know what everybody thinks about me. They talk and they whisper, exchanging different versions of the same story. My story. But they don’t know what really happened. No body does. You wonder don’t you? You too think you’ve discovered it all. You make guesses. You think I killed her. Seven years have passed and still you think so. Just like everybody. Everybody but him. He knows what really happened. I don’t know how but somehow he always knew. He looks at me across the table and I wonder if that’s a good enough reason to marry him. Probably not, but it doesn’t matter anyway. The wedding’s tomorrow. One of those horrible, over-the-top weddings, where the whole village will come. Not that there’s a lot of people here but it’s still horrible. He doesn’t like it too, I can tell by the look in his eyes. He, too, thinks it’s stupid and ridiculous but there’s no choice in a place like that.
I live, and have lived, my whole life in Ohio, near the lake Erie. In “Shannon”. I always thought it’s a great name for a village (and in general) . It is quite pretty here, where the lake turns into a river, crawling through the land like a snake lost its way.
Many people ran away, when they got the proper age. I always knew that my place is here. We were going to live here, she and I, forever. But “forever” ended seven years ago and it ain’t coming back again.
I know. I know you want me to tell you what happened that night. Everybody does. It’s about time I guess. But bringing back the ghosts of the past after all this time is never easy and takes patience.
I loved her. She was named Erie after the lake and she was as wild and untameable as it was. Her hair, long, straight and black, was as silky as the water, her eyes deeper than the ocean, her skin smoother than the sunset over the river at summer. She was named after the stupid lake and it killed her. Yes, it did it. Not me. We went there together that night, 14 of August. There were rumours even then- that I was a lesbian. It wasn’t a problem really. No body minded it – me least of all. It wasn’t exactly true but it was close enough so I didn’t correct people that said it. They expected a contradiction, I suppose, but I never said anything and left them to think whatever they wanted. Erie didn’t care for rumours. She knew me perfectly well and still she came to the riverbank with me. Actually it was her idea in the first place. We were both 15… and we loved each other. Yes, she loved me too. She told me that night under the trees, the sound of the water mixing with her gentle voice. She said it innocently, like it didn’t matter, but her eyes were intent and anxious. They gave her away. For a second, I lost my breath. I tried not to blink so that I wouldn’t start crying and said that I loved her too. We started laughing like drunks.
“Dance with me” she said.
“Here?”
“No. In the water.”
“I thought it was called swimming?”
“Who cares? Are you coming?”
“I… no.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s dangerous. The water is really fast.”
“Oh, come on! I dare you.”
She went in without even taking her clothes off (the water was hot that time of the year).
“Erie!”
She laughed again. Her smile was intoxicating, her eyes- glowing seductively in the moonlight. I went in after her, feeling as though in a dream. She kissed me then, again innocently- like it didn’t matter. My hand rose slowly, driven by anything but my brain, witch was completely inefficient at the moment. My fingers were cold against her cheek but she wasn’t blushing- she never blushed. Her lips tasted like the water, her hands rolled around me like seaweeds and we didn’t part for minutes witch seemed like months. We swam and laughed and somehow didn’t ménage to notice that the water became faster and faster. It wasn’t until she couldn’t stand on her feet anymore that she got scared. We grabbed the branches of the nearest tree and tried to get out but her hand slipped.
“Reggie!”
Her voice was frightened for the first, and last, time in her life. I turned around, already on shore and tried to go back in, but the waves pushed me out. I tried to pass another branch to her but her hand was too slippery, the water too fast and soon she couldn’t reach it. I was on the verge of tears when she screamed my name again.
“Reggie!”
Her head was shrinking in the distance and my heart sank into the ground when I realised I couldn’t see her anymore. I knew it wouldn’t help but I screamed anyway.
She didn’t answer. It wasn’t until then that I got in the water to look for her holding the branches of he tree again. The stream had carried her away but kept searching, shouting her name through tears.
Pointless to say- I didn’t find her. And, of course, the blame was all on me. Everybody knew she was with me; it wasn’t a secret after all. They thought I killed her because she didn’t want to be with me. They said I forced her and when she tried to get away I drowned her. I kept quiet. What had happened between us was intimate and I couldn’t share it with no one. Plus, I knew I wouldn’t help. If they knew that she got in the water by her self they would blame her and I wasn’t able to bare that.
The truth was that I felt guilty so it didn’t bother me to be accused.
Now, seven years later, nothing has changed. Apart from the fact that now there is someone that trusts me.
His name was William. He had been gone from Shannon for three years and now he was back. As soon as he got home he was the centre of attention. There were so many girls around him that I wasn’t sure if he’d remember his promise. I hoped that he’d forget. Oh yes, he promised me that he’d marry me still then. I didn’t believe him. After all he was the William. The one with the largest bank account and best looks at the same time. I hadn’t noticed neither of them until he proposed to me but still I didn’t care. I have to admit, though, it feels good to know that there’s someone who cares about you. I’m 22 and even my parents don’t trust me. I don’t have any friends, let alone a boyfriend. I don’t love him and I didn’t want to marry him but I appreciate his loyalty.
It was the night before the wedding and everything was falling apart. I felt horrible. I told him, you know. Everything. Last night. He wanted to know and I told him. He believed me as I predicted, I suppose that’s exactly why I let him know. I wanted somebody to know. The truth. Somebody to take the burden off my shoulders before… well, before it all ends.
He was being all charming with the guests as it was supposed to be. I was drinking. A lot. Nobody noticed. They all talked to him, didn’t they? I didn’t care, it was all over after tonight anyway.
I kept drinking, he kept smiling and when midnight came I went out. I went to the river. I saw the water, heard the sound of the branches above me. It was August the 14. I smiled, “Ironic, huh?” I closed my eyes and saw her face again, heard her laughter. A tear fell on my cheek, than another. I didn’t feel drunk. At the contrary- I was more sober than I had ever felt before. Slowly I made a step forward; ready to jump in the water. Then, surprisingly, something held me back. A hand slipped gently around my waist. Gently, not carefully, which would make more sense. The warm fingertips stroked my skin through the dress with fondness and affection I’ve never felt before. I recognised him right away. His smell, his presence. He hugged me tight, pulling me closer to him. We stayed like that until my eyes ran dry and I stopped crying. Until I wasn’t ready to jump anymore.
“Dance with me” he whispered quietly in my ear and I took his hand. Smiling.
